I’ve been pretty vulnerable these past few months with where I’m at in life. I’ve spent many an instagram post talking about the challenges I’ve been facing. This season of life feels like the most tumultuous and trying that I have gone through since adolescence. How do I come to terms with a life that has almost completely changed, grief, fear, joy, marriage, love, and responsibility all thrown at me at once? I wish this were the blog post where I told you I found the answers. It’s not.
These past few months I’ve thrown myself into figuring out “what I’ve been doing wrong,” mostly in my business. I wasn’t putting enough “me” into my blogging (I don’t have that problem anymore), I wasn’t putting up enough social media, I wasn’t networking enough with the right people, I wasn’t, I wasn’t, I wasn’t. When I got down on myself too much or felt out of control I would read a blog post or a book on goal planning, getting it together, making it work. I came up with organizational plans, invested in the right software, made efforts to meet new people and create relationships. I hustled like I had never hustled before. All of it felt futile, in fact some of it still does, I didn’t see any results for months. I’m just now starting to see the fruits of my labor. So we get to happy dance here and there and in between.
In my personal life, I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel of emotions. I keep thinking they’ll calm down a bit, but they just keep going and going and going! Just last night after a midnight feeding of kittens (more on that soon) I found myself trying not to wake Daniel as I cried in bed. He, of course, heard me and asked what was up. “I’m just tired of people being sick” I stammered and then just sobbed for a good 10 minutes before I fell asleep. Watching those you love get sick without answers or even with answers hasn’t been easy. It’s not often I feel useless and It’s not a good feeling at all.
When I stand back and evaluate the last few months, there has been a lot of hard work and hard life thrown at us. Just since my birthday I’ve felt pushed almost past what I can handle. And the only thing keeping me together (other than Daniel) is the knowledge that this is just a season. Time always moves on and these moments of difficulty will soon pass, replaced by something (hopefully) more joyful. God always takes these tough moments in life and uses them to enrich the beautiful ones, to make them more substantial and sweet. I wouldn’t be who I am today if God hadn’t used moments I never thought I’d get past. Now I am fulfilled in ways I never even comprehended.
I don’t have a lot of answers to the questions that have flooded through my brain, I don’t necessarily see an end in sight yet to some of my situations, but I do still have hope and for that I am ever thankful.
Most of this was because I just needed to get it out…process…but also because I’ve crashed and burned in the blogging department lately. I had such high hopes for April…ah well. We keep moving, we keep doing, we keep loving.
For those of you who are wondering why I’ve been away from social media so much lately, I’ve got 3 little furry reasons why. They’ve been a much bigger challenge than Daniel & I anticipated. They’re lucky they’re so stinking cute! Seriously tho, anyone who has tried to save and raise orphaned newborn animals I tip my hat to you. It is no joke and takes complete devotion. In two weeks, we’v gone back and forth with their health several times. We’re currently on a down swing. So we’re praying that they make it through this bout of sickness. They’re fighters tho, so I anticipate a full recovery.
Wedding season is about to kick in full swing and I’m taking these next couple of weeks as sort of mental health time. I don’t like feeling out of control, but there is only so much one can do, so I’m going to pause the hustle a little bit, do what I can to feel ready to go, and then dive into my happy place of wedding photography. Thanks for reading through all of the mess hopefully it made a little bit of sense), saying a prayer or two, and continuing to love me even though I don’t have it all together.